Hello everyone! Can you all hear me okay at the back? … well in that case can someone please get me a beer!?
Ladies and gentlemen, I am the best man so in time-honoured tradition, I will now do my best to give [groom] the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of [bride]‘s life will be later on this evening, courtesy of [groom]
I must say I was a little worried in making this speech today, until I saw all your faces and realised that you’re all just like me, Drunk.
You may all have realised by now that the seating arrangement was actually decided after the wedding gifts were received … so can I say thank you on behalf of [groom] and [bride] to all of you at the back for the LIGHBULBS and the EGG CUPS (you at the back … where’s my beer!). Though I don’t know how I got up the front here, I gave them a BIN!
Every now and again we have the opportunity to talk about a man of the highest integrity and honour – a man of achievement and action, with penetrating intellect and devastatingly great looks. A man obviously destined for better things … Not today though, because this speech is about [groom].
Part of the job of best man is to talk to people, and so I did. I was walking around here before and chatting to various people. Some of them I knew and some of them I didn’t know, and I learnt some funny things.
I was talking to [groom]‘s mum, and she said that looking at him now you may not believe this, but [groom] was not a pretty baby … In fact, he was the only baby in [city] to have shutters on his pram! You know, his mum didn’t get morning sickness until AFTER he was born!
From his [other family member]: I’ve known [groom] his whole life and in some ways he’s like a son to me. I watched him drink from a bottle, I watched him stagger around naked, I watched him crawl, I’ve dressed and undressed him, cleaned up after him … and that was only last night!
From his Workmates: They said he’s a hard worker and always adopted a professional attitude. They had nothing but praise for him. He was even compared to something of a God in the workplace! What they really meant was that he was rarely seen and if he did any work it was a miracle! I can’t believe your workmates said that about you [groom], luckily you have friends like me.
In all seriousness though [groom], you’ve been a fantastic friend to me over the years. It’s been an honour to be your best man today, and with all my heart I hope you two have a long and happy marriage!
[bride], always remind him of your wedding vows. For better or for worse. He couldn’t have done any better and you couldn’t have done any worse!
[groom], never get complacent. Look out for those tell-tale signs that there may be something wrong in your relationship … Subtle things, like the pool guy wearing your socks!
Also remember those 3 little words that are the key to a long and happy marriage … ‘You’re right love’!
I’d like to thank the bridesmaids [names] for their efforts today, and I think you’ll agree they look fantastic tonight. [groom and other groomsmen] also look okay – but they copied my outfit!
Now, as a man that will drink to absolutely anything, it gives me incredible pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding, raise your glasses and join me in a toast to [bride] and [groom], because I think they were made for each other.
May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old fashioned enough to last forever. I’m sure you’re going to be happy together, and I speak for everybody here when I say I wish you both the very very best for your future life together. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr and Mrs [surname], [groom] and [bride]!