Category: Writing

Hello everyone! Can you all hear me okay at the back? … well in that case can someone please get me a beer!?

Ladies and gentlemen, I am the best man so in time-honoured tradition, I will now do my best to give [groom] the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of [bride]‘s life will be later on this evening, courtesy of [groom]

I must say I was a little worried in making this speech today, until I saw all your faces and realised that you’re all just like me, Drunk.

You may all have realised by now that the seating arrangement was actually decided after the wedding gifts were received … so can I say thank you on behalf of [groom] and [bride] to all of you at the back for the LIGHBULBS and the EGG CUPS (you at the back … where’s my beer!). Though I don’t know how I got up the front here, I gave them a BIN!

Every now and again we have the opportunity to talk about a man of the highest integrity and honour – a man of achievement and action, with penetrating intellect and devastatingly great looks. A man obviously destined for better things … Not today though, because this speech is about [groom].

Part of the job of best man is to talk to people, and so I did. I was walking around here before and chatting to various people. Some of them I knew and some of them I didn’t know, and I learnt some funny things.

I was talking to [groom]‘s mum, and she said that looking at him now you may not believe this, but [groom] was not a pretty baby … In fact, he was the only baby in [city] to have shutters on his pram! You know, his mum didn’t get morning sickness until AFTER he was born!

From his [other family member]: I’ve known [groom] his whole life and in some ways he’s like a son to me. I watched him drink from a bottle, I watched him stagger around naked, I watched him crawl, I’ve dressed and undressed him, cleaned up after him … and that was only last night!

From his Workmates: They said he’s a hard worker and always adopted a professional attitude. They had nothing but praise for him. He was even compared to something of a God in the workplace! What they really meant was that he was rarely seen and if he did any work it was a miracle! I can’t believe your workmates said that about you [groom], luckily you have friends like me.

In all seriousness though [groom], you’ve been a fantastic friend to me over the years. It’s been an honour to be your best man today, and with all my heart I hope you two have a long and happy marriage!

[bride], always remind him of your wedding vows. For better or for worse. He couldn’t have done any better and you couldn’t have done any worse!

[groom], never get complacent. Look out for those tell-tale signs that there may be something wrong in your relationship … Subtle things, like the pool guy wearing your socks!

Also remember those 3 little words that are the key to a long and happy marriage … ‘You’re right love’!

I’d like to thank the bridesmaids [names] for their efforts today, and I think you’ll agree they look fantastic tonight. [groom and other groomsmen] also look okay – but they copied my outfit!

Now, as a man that will drink to absolutely anything, it gives me incredible pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding, raise your glasses and join me in a toast to [bride] and [groom], because I think they were made for each other.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old fashioned enough to last forever. I’m sure you’re going to be happy together, and I speak for everybody here when I say I wish you both the very very best for your future life together. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr and Mrs [surname], [groom] and [bride]!

 

Occasionally, I like to swear. I know it’s a bad habit that I should kick, but you might agree with me that sometimes it feels therapeutic to lay down a few expletives.

Swearing can help you deal with stressful situations and increase your expressiveness too. For example, imagine that it’s a really hot day, you’ve had a bad day at work, and the dog chewed on your new shoes while you were out mowing the lawn in one million degree heat. You could always come back with, “Gosh Fido, I just want you know how I feel right now, and I’m feeling kind of upset.” Or you could, you know, go for a more therapeutic response that makes the neighbours duck for cover.

Swearing therefore seems to have its uses in dealing with complicated situations after they’ve occurred, but I think there’s also a need to pro-actively drop the occasional f-bomb, especially when there’s malfunctioning equipment involved.

Now, I am not a scientist, and have not conducted any research into this, but I’m fairly sure anyway that prehistoric humans invented swearing not only as a coping mechanism, but as a means for primitive tech support. I know for sure you have sworn at a tin opener and then it’s started working again so you know what I’m talking about.

Most people don’t even realise that most of our best repair techniques came from cavemen and that this knowledge has been passed down for hundreds of generations. It’s a little-known fact that the entire IT and electronics industry relies on this. When you take your computer into the technician, he secretly takes it out the back, swears at it for 30 minutes and then charges you a services fee. The dishwasher repair guy comes in with his tools and I assure you he has never used any of them – he doesn’t even know what they do. He bangs around for a bit and when you’re out of the room he says, “Geez, look at all the wires in there you mother-&*%^$” and then the job is done. Any parts that you think were needed were actually just replacements because the guy did some Googling and thought he was using a Phillips-head hammer the correct way.

If there’s anything to be learnt from swearing, it’s that as a society we are improved because of it. Our ability to express ourselves, and accurately describe people that we dislike totally depends on it. In Australia, we even need those words to describe how much we LIKE somebody.

As an aside, sorry IT guys. Gynecologists, I didn’t even mention you yet.

I woke up this morning at about 5:30am. This is typical for me these days, but not because I’m an early morning person. In fact, the opposite is true. If it were up to me, I’d lay in bed until around the middle of the day and only get out when I really had to. On a good day, I’ll get out of bed and my biggest problem will be whether to skip breakfast or start lunch early. Staying in bed until midday solves that little conundrum nicely.

I’m not exactly the poster child for cosy sleeping either. If you have ever had that image of somebody snoozing soundly whilst rugged up snugly in their bed with the blankets pulled up firmly to the chin, with cute little sleeping noises coming from them, then you have not seen me sleep.

Rather, I tend to sleep sprawled out like a shaved, white sloth, with sheets and blankets scattered about me, and often half-dangling to the floor. Usually I will be snoring loudly, with my mouth open as though I’m a guppie plucked out of water. Most likely I’ll be drooling. Generally it is not a good sight, and children and cats avoid me when sleeping. Trying to wake me up when I’m in this stage is akin to poking a large, sleeping lion with a sharp stick. A stick with meat on the end of it.

Regardless of my usual sleeping patterns, I have recently been waking up early because my wife is a runner. She chooses to get up early and go running for large distances at ungodly times in the dark. I’m actually very supportive of the activity, especially given that my own commitment usually just involves saying, “See you later!” To my relief, when she has gone running, she has always returned to our house. If she ever goes out running with a suitcase and a packed lunch I’ll know I’m in trouble.

Today was a special run. She had been training for a 10 kilometre event in a locally organised activity. 10km seems like a really long way to run. I know that there are people out there that run marathons and I will award you full kudos for doing that. However in this I’m easily impressed because 10km is about a thousand times further away than our front letter box. And I’ve only visited the letter box a couple of times.

She set off this morning to meet with running companions and take on the challenge. I remained at home because standing around with other husbands at finish lines is not my ordinary past time, and I had promised the kids an outing for the day. So, after letting the kids sleep in until a comfortable 8:00am, and with just a quick detour to check that our suitcases were all still present, I managed to drag both kids out of bed and line them both up downstairs. I told both kids that due to me being in the top 75% of parents I was going to take them out for breakfast and to see a movie. My 9 year old son took the opportunity to remind me that I was his second favourite parent, God bless his little heart. Additionally, he pointed out that his sister was his third favourite person, which I thought was rather kind.

We headed off to our favourite breakfast place that is essentially a palace for people with no self control. It’s one of those breakfast buffet places where you help yourself to as much of everything as you like. Unlimited bacon, along with access to ice cream for breakfast are reasons why 25% of parents are ranked higher than me.

During this time my wife rang me and passed on the good news that she had completed 10km in her record time. My bacon consumption record did seem insignificant so I decided not to mention it. I mentioned that we were seeing a movie after breakfast, although she declined due to the apparent fact that X-Men does not contain Iron Man. Or, more specifically, does not contain Robert Downey Jr.

After breakfast we managed to arrive at the local cinema complex and purchased our tickets. During the film I was giving my son tips on who the various new superheroes were. He just nodded and looked at me sadly. Apparently recent cartoon tv shows contain the entirety of the comics universe and all children under the age of twelve have an encyclopaedic knowledge of comicdom. I felt as though I was transported back to an earlier point in time when a nine year old version of myself struggled to teach my parents how to operate a VCR. Damn kids.

We left the cinema to head home, and my daughter, firmly in the midst of teenage angst pointed out that her phone was at 10% battery. I was not prepared for such an emergency I admit, and suggestions that I should fire a flare into the sky to attract the coastguard were not well received. Even now I’m not totally sure what happens when a teenager’s phone gets to 0% battery, but it did seem likely that our lives depended on it not happening. I made the helpful suggestion that not pushing buttons and doing things on the phone would prolong the battery life. The response was enlightening, because apparently if you can’t touch the phone then how will snapchat, iMessage, Instagram and Facebook work? I did not have a good way to deal with this.

Generally, when confronted with really hard questions from women, my tactic is to lay down and pretend I’m dead. “Do I look fat in this?” Sorry honey, I’m laying on the ground dead, ask an alive person.

It was a good day, and much adulting was done.